


This Shadow a Bitter Sweetness

by LilacsandFreedom



Series: Worry Not the Living [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Amaurot (Final Fantasy XIV), Angst, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Multi, Open to Interpretation, Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Talking To Dead People, we're all playing Sympathy for the Devil here, we're continuing on this road of Themes my dudes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-14 23:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20609117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacsandFreedom/pseuds/LilacsandFreedom
Summary: In the shaded quiet of his Amaurot, Emet-Selch revisits a memory.





	This Shadow a Bitter Sweetness

All it took was a thought. A memory. All he had to do was find it, hold it in his mind, and with only the slightest effort…

"You're doing it again."

It came to be.

The fact of the matter was that <strike>Solus</strike> <strike>Emet-Selch</strike> _Hades _(he did grow so _tired _of using pseudonym after pseudonym sometimes) was bored and alone, and when he was bored and alone, well, he found things with which to occupy himself. Waiting for the Warrior of Darkness to succumb to the Light and rejoin the First was a taxing exercise. He felt he should have known just how stubborn they could be about the whole thing. Moreover, stretched enough as he was from the rebuilding of Amaurot, he could scarce hold any real conversation with any of the shades inhabiting the city.

(But, of course, just having them around was just enough to make it feel just a little closer to the real thing. Just enough.)

And all it took was a thought. A memory. It was hardly difficult. A child could do it. Could find it, hold it close, and with only a little effort, make it into reality.

And so it did.

He opened his eyes. On that night, against his own wishes, he’d accompanied a friend to a celebration. An anniversary of the city’s founding. There were many people in the room, surrounded by all manner of food, drink, and dancing. At that point, they’d just become aware of the oncoming end of the world. But, there was faith, great faith, that they’d be able to do something about it…perhaps it was less faith and more hubris. Forget it.

His memory was not so perfect that he could completely recreate every person who was there and all that happened, but that didn't matter. He only needed one person. And he remembered them very well.

He smiled. "Doing what?"

"You know perfectly well." They said, "You’re wearing that look on your face again. That scowl you have when you're thinking too much."

He remembered this conversation. Circumstances of it aside, it was a good memory to revisit when he had the chance. They stepped lightly together. His friend was always a fine dancer. Any skill for it he had outside of the memory had likely withered away from disuse. He never felt like it much in recent...millenia.

"Since when was thinking too much an issue? We have an awful lot to think about, don’t we?"

"Alright, think of _ something else _ then." They lowered their voice, "Listen, I hate to be away from work too, but if we lock ourselves up we’ll never come up with anything. If you rest, you'll think of something, that's how it works, Hades."

"Do you have any ideas then?"

"Give me another song, I'll get there."

Gladly.

It was these moments he missed more than anything. Just...the company, he supposed. The companionship. Millenia alone together would strain even the closest of friendships, but he still had this. He still had this moment. It was closer to the real thing than the husks parading themselves as people anyway.

They always smiled so brightly. He would have given anything to see it again. To lift the weight from his shoulders, to soothe the agony in his breast, to return all who were lost, he would do anything.

The band played on. Round and round they went, past laughing shadows and dancing shades. “So those other ideas of yours?” he said.

“Well, before we can do anything about it, we need to figure out what it _ is _. As for that, I have very little idea. It’s all just…” they paused and shook their head. “I wish we could do more, but I suppose we’re already doing everything we can. Oh, but look at us! What did I tell you? We’ll never come up with anything like this.”

They’d been right. The next day, they arrived with the first of many concepts they could try. Together, they thought of hundreds of them-- hundreds upon hundreds of plans to stop the end of the world. Together, they used all of them. Every last one, until the impossible was the last chance. And it worked.

How he longed to return. To speak to them knowing what they did. To know how they would feel to see what had become of them...what had become of him. It was a stray thought deep in his heart. 

It was enough. He cursed himself for his carelessness as the memory faded and left him standing in an empty room with a spirit of his own making.

They stopped and removed their mask. Eyes as clear as crystal. The warrior’s eyes were the same. He hated it. “My dear friend...it’s been such a long time, hasn’t it?”

He said nothing. They looked around the empty room. “Is this your creation?”

“It was ours.” he said.

“I know you understand me. _ This _, I mean. I’m impressed. It must have taken some effort to make it to such a scale, even if it’s only a facade. Like an elaborate dollhouse…”

He clenched his fist and took a breath. “It’s only a demonstration.”

“Is it?”

“I’m expecting company. I wanted them to see us as we lived. To see Amaurot as the shining city it was.”

“In our last days?”

To look them in the eye was to allow a blade to pierce his heart. “The clearest memory I had of it. The best to make them understand why we must continue with our mission.”

“We…”

“Yes, _ we _ . It is _ our _ mission. _ Our _world that needs be mended. You must have seen through my eyes what a wretched excuse for an existence these creatures lead-- these worlds lead. It is a broken reality.”

And this was a broken image of them. Nothing more, nothing less. A shade that would fade away on further scrutiny. He couldn’t bear to look them in the eye. He looked instead out into the city, out over the great spires of the skyline and out over the shadows walking the streets. Moments suspended out of time, out of place.

One day, it wouldn’t be so. One day, they would be whole again. All of them. That was the idea, the entire _ point _. Memory returned to life, all returned, all as they should be, as they had been. Whole.

“I wonder how it is they stay standing…” they said. “The warrior, I mean. After all they’ve seen, all they’ve lost...and they've lost so much…"

_ A raindrop in the ocean. _

"From where do they draw their strength, I have to wonder. I say it’s pure stubbornness, if they’re anything like me--”

He snapped. “They are _nothing_ like you! That creature is nothing but a husk, a shadow, a _disappointment_ that can barely contain the aether we could hold in our hands!”

They didn’t miss a beat. “But, they are not us. They are themselves. Your expectations are impossible to meet because you’re comparing completely different entities which, frankly, is nonsense.”

“That’s the point!” he said, “The entire _ point _ is that they have stolen our rightful place! Our lives! _ Your _life! I tell you, they are wretched creatures who can’t be suffered to live as the hollow reflections they are.”

They sighed. “Whenever did you grow so cold?”

“Even the most blazing of hearts will grow frigid after millennia, my friend.” as he said it, the anger cooled some. He couldn’t be angry with them. “Believe me when I say that I tried. I did. I wanted to understand, I _wanted _to try and wrap my mind around why these creatures were the way they were and I couldn’t. There’s no joy in it. I feel nothing.”

“Did you really?” They asked. “In taking friends and lovers and family, did you really try to understand? To humble yourself? Hades, however can a widow love another when the one they lost is always in their vision? However can you see the future when you constantly hold the past in your eyes?”

He shook his head. “Don’t debate me when all we’ve ever had is on the line. Our last days are always clear in my mind, I want nothing more than to make it as if they never happened. To make it so that we wake to find that it was only a nightmare. But, even now you dream in seven broken pieces. Do you see why I’ve gone to such efforts?”

They knelt down and placed their hand gently at the side of his head. “Yes. What a restless heart you have...but, I suppose you were always like that. And so was I. But, I’m weary, Hades. To see you and our friends do these things...oh, how weary I am. And if I dream, then let me dream. Though I am only half of myself, is life not a bitter and sweet dream worth having? Would you let us rest with the knowledge of this?”

He closed his eyes. “No…” he said. “I cannot. I will not. This is not the way our story was meant to end. I refuse to let it end like this, to let this burning in my breast be extinguished by these miserable shades. Never. Speak no more to me...speak no more.”

And they were gone.

He hadn’t realized that somewhere down the line of conversation, tears overflowed and spilled down his cheeks. He wiped them away, disappointed in himself. What was it these creatures said? To the hells with it. He couldn’t risk weakness now, when the balance hung so perilously. The warrior still had yet to arrive. Typical to keep him waiting. He retreated once more to find some way to stave off the dreadful boredom of it all. 

All it took was a thought. A memory. All he had to do was find it, hold it in his mind, and with only the slightest effort…

"You're doing it again."

He smiled.

“Doing what?”

**Author's Note:**

> As I was writing this, I realized that it ended up a little longer than the previous entries in the series...oh well, that's not a bad thing I suppose (though it does mess with the symmetry). Maybe it's because I find the parallels between Emet-Selch and the WoL to be really interesting. In a way, they're more similar than I think either would be happy to admit, but there's one key difference that truly keeps them apart. Maybe, in another world, their positions are reversed in some fashion...things to think about I guess.
> 
> I've also been thinking of video tapes. Have you ever seen those kinds of films where someone watches an old home movie over and over again? Or listens to the same voicemail on repeat? There's something unbelievably sad about that to me...I hope I've captured some of that melancholy here.
> 
> But, most of all, I hope you've enjoyed reading this! I plan to have at least one more part in this series, but we'll see. Thank you all!


End file.
